let me start this post off by saying that 2 things:
1. i love my girls and love being their mother.
2. it’s taken an entire month to get to the place where i can finally put my finger on this to be able to share.
it’s scary in the beginning
being a mom of two is scary in the beginning and no one really says that but that’s the truth and it’s ok. when i had mini, i was a little nervous but i’d been raising other people’s children for awhile. things are very different when it’s your own but it wasn’t crazy. having abc was a little different because my situation was different. i was already a mother to a crazy 4yo who is dealing with her own things in her life, i was a new wife to the man of my dreams and now i had this new person that was dependent on me. i’m a worrier and this new life was another person for me to worry about. and i worry A LOT. i wanted to stay home with abc as long as i possibly could so we cancelled mini’s after care with school. so from 3pm until 6pm i’m on my own with them.
initially i had no idea what i was going to do with both of them. i was in a lot of pain from having abc and then i got some badly infected cysts that caused even more pain. but kids don’t really get that. i didn’t want mini to come home and park in front of the tv but at the same time i didn’t know what i would be able to handle. i cried. not a whole lot. but i cried with my husband who helped me make a plan which made me more comfortable.
your kids are smarter and more adaptable than you think
i’d heard crazy and insane stories about how people would take both of their kids out at the same time and how overwhelmed they were. this wasn’t my experience and i’m quite happy about that. mini, with all her excitement and energy, picked up on the behavior that i needed from her when we were out. i’ve yet to have an uncontrollable trip out with the two of them. now, when my husband gets home, all bets are off. she returns to her wild, rambunctious self. and honestly, the only thing i can feel is appreciation because during the time i need her, she manages to be the biggest help that i can expect her to be.
you’re going to cry
whether it’s the hormones, the overwhelming feelings, the sleepiness, or the pain, you’re going to cry–even if you’re not a crier. i felt so foolish sitting at the dinner table after excusing mini to her room play. i sat and i cried. and i didn’t know what i was crying about but i just knew i needed to cry. i cried about feeling like i had no idea what i was doing. i cried about feeling like a bad mom to mini. i cried about feeling like a bad wife to him. i cried about the fact i was sitting there crying. i didn’t want company. i didn’t want anyone but my husband with me. and i cried about being a bad friend, daughter, daughter-in-law because i just wanted to be alone with my man and my babies. yeah, there were a lot of tears. but then they stopped.
you’ll get into a groove
after you’re done crying, you realize that you’re ok and you’re going to make it. this feeling is an amazing one–one you want to hold on to for forever because you’ve finally realized that everything is alright. you aren’t a terrible mother. you aren’t an awful wife. your friends are more understanding than you expect. and your mother(s) have been there so they don’t expect crazy things from you. more importantly, you’ve realized that being a super woman doesn’t mean having the house cleaned everyday, an organic dinner made every night, an afternoon full of activities for your preschooler. it means loving your family, loving yourself, and doing the best you can every day.